i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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