Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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