Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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