Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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