Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
