I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
