She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize