too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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