she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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