they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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