I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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