i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
