yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
