just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The air was thick with penises
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
