Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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