so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
