The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
