i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
