it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
