Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize