They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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