I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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