i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
