My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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