this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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