Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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