I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
