I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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