the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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