Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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