apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
