they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
