he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
