I will die if light touches me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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