I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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