my phone needs a breathalizer
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
