Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
