after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
