just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
