My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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