he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
