Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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