she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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