Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
