u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Verdict: uncircumcised.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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