I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
