i was born a porn star she said
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
