kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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