Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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