Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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