I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
