Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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