i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
