Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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