Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
