she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
