you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
