She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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