I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
