Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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