This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
