guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
