I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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