In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
